A Failure to Share

     I didn't do anything on my 30 before 30 list this week. I did, however, graduate from college, finish working at my wonderful internship, and turn 26. So - it's been a productive week nonetheless. I've started enjoying this new thing called "sleep". I don't know why I haven't been doing that for the past few years, but it is glorious!

     Anyway, today's post will be short. I wanted to share a sketch I wrote last year for Studio C that never made it into the show. I like it a lot, but we didn't use it for at least one big reason: it's not really a sketch. It's more of a play - a very, very short, one act/one scene, short short play.  

     As much as I like it, I doubt it will ever see the light of day. And that's okay. It makes for decent blog content (hopefully). In a strange way, I never really thought of this piece as a failure. Yes - I wrote it for a show that didn't want it. But who cares? I don't. In my mind, this piece turned into a labor of love. 

   Here it is:

INT. DINER - DAY

Enter Adam. He sits at the counter. Whitney is a waitress. The conversation is very snappy. Whitney moves around the diner, working.

WHIT

You’re back.

ADAM

They said it couldn’t be done, but here I am.

WHIT

They?

ADAM

Who?

WHIT

Who said it couldn’t be done?

ADAM

Ah. Yes. The cosmic forces that say things. Ghosts probably.

WHIT

Ghosts said you couldn’t come back to the diner?

ADAM

They’re just jealous of how many burgers I eat.

WHIT

I’m sure your arteries could convince them of how big of a mistake that is.

ADAM

But they won’t be saying much with their mouths so full of fat and all.

WHIT

Your arteries have mouths?

ADAM

Sure. I’m no scientist.

WHIT

The usual then?

ADAM

One artery clogging burger for me, but don’t tell the ghosts.

WHIT

Coming up.

Whit scribbles a note and passes it to the cook.

ADAM

Speaking of pale entities who tell you what to do, how’s your mother?

WHIT

Far away. And you sure know a lot about my personal life for a customer.

ADAM

I’d like to think our relationship transcends the customer-server level.

WHIT

This is you trying to get a free coke, right?

ADAM

Spot on. As a waitress, you must have some sort of sixth sense that tells you what I’m craving.

WHIT

Seventh sense, actually. I see dead people.

ADAM

The ghosts?

WHIT

Different people. They don’t like you either.

ADAM

Sometimes I think I’m too handsome.

WHIT

You couldn’t hear it, but they all started booing.

Stephen raises his hand to flag Whit.

WHIT (CONT’D)

I gotta go help someone.

ADAM

So this is a bad time to try and ask you out again?

Whitney approaches Stephen’s booth.

WHIT

I cannot go out with you.

STEPHEN

Me?

WHIT

What? No.

ADAM

So you’ll go out with this guy, but not me.

WHIT

I’m not going out with anyone.

ADAM

So you ARE available.

WHIT

How can I help you?

STEPHEN

(hesitant) Would you want to go out?

WHIT

No, thank you. Can I get you some ketchup or something?

STEPHEN

Yes, please.

ADAM

There’s that seventh sense kicking in again.

WHIT

You’re cute, but I don’t know anything about you.

ADAM

What do you want to know? I’m an open book - an open textbook: insightful but boring.

WHIT

Do we have to do this now? I’m working.

ADAM

I’d like to do it over dinner, but you want to get to know me before you get to know me.

WHIT

Excuse me for not dating strangers. For all I know, you could be a serial killer.

ADAM

You’ve been talking to too many dead people.

WHIT

(frustrated) Michael.

ADAM

My name’s Roger.

WHIT

What?

ADAM

Just kidding. It is Michael. See? You do know something about me.

WHIT

Sometimes I want to wring your neck until all your sarcasm falls out.

ADAM

Sounds deadly.

WHIT

Let’s find out.

ADAM

Now who sounds like the serial killer?

The cook puts up Adam’s order and rings the bell.

WHIT

Here’s your burger. With any luck, this’ll be the one that kills you. Maybe then you’ll stop bothering me.

ADAM

I’ll just come back and haunt you. Then I’ll never stop asking you out.

WHIT

Fine!

ADAM

What?

WHIT

I’ll go out with you.

Beat.

ADAM

Those ghosts are going to be really jealous.

Give me the GOOSHburger, no pickles.

    And that's it! "Goosh", by the way, is a made up word of unknown origins. We all started using it in Divine Comedy to end a sketch. Now it's tradition. Also - after presenting this to the writers room, someone gave me a rather fine compliment saying that it felt like Aaron Sorkin's writing. As someone who looks up to Aaron a lot, I was very flattered. So flattered, in fact, that I did not mention that I was trying to emulate another writer: Amy Sherman-Paladino. I may have binged on Gilmore Girl youtube clips before writing this. That'll be our little secret.