Jump-start to Writing

Woah.

I haven't been blogging. Oh well! Here's something. And for the record, I do have plans for a few more 30 Before 30 thaaangs in the next couple weeks. So posts will be happening.

As for today, I thought I might post a list of jokes I compiled as part of an "assignment" from Gene Perret's The New Comedy Writing. He suggests making a list of 50 jokes that can inspire you. This is my list, as extracted from 5 different sources.

(As a side note - occasionally I get asked how to write comedy or become a great writer or something along those lines. This seems like a good place to give advice: make a list like this. Find lots of jokes that really work for you and use them as a jump-start to your writing. I do. In fact, that's why I love Twitter - it's a great place to switch my brain into comedy mode.)

Conan O’brien's Twitter. 

I'm not a huge Conan fan, but his Twitter feed is pretty good.

1. I assume ‘Escape Plan’ is about Stallone and Schwarzenegger trying to escape their speech coaches.

2. Two things: Comedy is about being relateable and also, I’m tired of the interns not saluting me

3. Pretty sure karate was invented by a guy and a bee.

4. Just tried to make a Benedict Cumberbatch anagram and I now have a hernia.

5. I’m in the best shape of my life. Just benched twice my birth weight.

6. I picked M.I.T. in my NCAA pool. Their robots are unstoppable.

7. In honor of President’s Day, I won’t be getting along with Congress

8. Still can't get a publisher for my new novel, "Unpublishable"

9. In order to justify eating veal, I just pretend the calf was funnier than me.

10. When someone calls me pretentious, the white gloves come off.

Mike Scully's Twitter

I became aware of Mike Scully when I had the chance to meet him a couple summers ago. He's very witty, very cool, and happened to write my favorite episode of one of my favorite shows: The Comeback Kid from Parks & Recreation.

11.Writing a multi-cam show about four friends named Cam.

12."TORNADO CHASERS KILLED BY TORNADO" "Why? Whyyy??? Oh, the sensibleness of it all!!!"

13. I know you're not supposed to have a favorite child, so I don't love any of mine.

14. "What happened to you, man? You used to be cool." - me to mirror every morning

15. In some parts of the country, substitute teachers are called hoagiestute teachers.

16.I've done my best to teach my kids about racism, but they're still against it.

17. "I'll get you, you little liars! You can't stay pretty forever!" - what I imagine the last line of every ep of "Pretty Little Liars" is.

18. Daniel Day Lewis prepared for every role. For My Left Foot, he only used his left foot. For Last of Mohicans, he killed all other Mohicans.

19. The most common Chinese New Year's resolution is to improve at gymnastics.

20. Check out my Best And Worst Of Best And Worst Lists Of 2012! It's the best! Also the worst.

(Note: The next three sources are shows, so some of the jokes might be confusing out of context.)

Futurama

I will always have a special place in my heart for Futurama. It was sorta my introduction to comedy. I got into it in high school and I believe it's played a big part in shaping my sense of humor.

21. Why? Why?! WHY didn't I break his legs?!

22. Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, oooooh, suddenly you've gone too far!

23. If this is anything like killing that pigeon on my balcony, we've got our work cut out for us.

24. I'm so embarrassed I wish everyone else was dead.

25. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on the ball.

26. I'll never forget you, Fry - MEMORY DELETED.

27. It's like a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up.

28. Who needs courage when you can have... a gun?

29. My caddy-shofer tells me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested.

30. The jury is advised to disregard it's own testimony.

30 Rock

It had its ups and downs, but 30 Rock is easily the most joke dense show I have ever seen.

31. I don't drink hot liquids of any kind - that's the devil's temperature.

32. There are only two things I love in this world: everybody and television.

33. Africa's got everything: Gum gum drops, juju trees, and horse-icorns - which is a unicorn with a horse's head.

34. Do you have a travel pillow? I blew mine up and now it smells like my mouth.

35. Fifty is the new forty for men. Fifty is still sixty for women.

36. Pears? Why?!

37. There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.

38. I'm sure she's down there, chain-smoking, sitting on the curb, waiting for me to come out. Just like the day I was born.

39. I love my mother, Lemon, obviously because of Stockholm Syndrome.

40. What did I get?! A million dollars, a yellow Bentley, and NOTHING!

Parks & Recreation

I can not praise this show enough. It's smart, funny, and just makes you feel uplifted. This is my favorite thing on television right now and is in my top three shows ever (with Lost and Futurama).

41.There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk.

42. When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

43. Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

44. History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

45. It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. It's like talking about people behind their backs. Everybody wins.

46. The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of town and we have ours.

47. Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.

48. "Leslie, could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?" "One could say that, but should one?"

49. Everybody pants now! Pants, pants, pants, pants, pants!

50. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault, but you've never had to compensate for anything.

Hey, I just noticed there are two owls in this post. Coincidence or destiny?