1. Bottle Feed Baby Bears

Saw this pic online - needed to document it's truthfulness.

I did it!

I went to Bear World and made 1/30 of my dreams come true! Seeeeee?

It's sooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!

So let's talk Bear World.

I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. I knew 4 things about it before I went.

1. Bears

2. Idaho

3. It costs money

4. I was going to do it even if my arms fell off on the car ride there.

So, yes, there is an admission fee. It's not a Disneyland-esque range of wallet robbing though. Just $16. And that gets you into the park. You can drive through two parts: bear part and non-bear part.

First, non-bear part. Which, by the way, is the part where you can have your car windows rolled down. It makes taking pictures easier, I guess. Or, in my case, it let's you take a time lapse video of it. 

If you watch it closely, or 100 times, you will see mountain goats, deer, bison, elk, white elk, and my sister's hand. Pretty great.

As your non-bear journey ends, the bear journey begins. Windows up - for unfun reasons like safety.

This picture was taken from the car - like all the pictures of the adult bears, but I'm only posting this one.

Bear part is pretty cool. There are 58 of them at Bear World, so there are plenty of them hanging around. They were pretty sleepy when we drove through at 1:00. Fortunately, they get a little more active later in the day. Also good to know: you can feed the adult bears by paying more money, getting in a very tall truck, and throwing bread at them. Turns out - bears are the pigeons of the mammal world. Also also good to know: give the yearlings most of your bread. They're very excited about it, while the fully grown bears are not. Also also also good to know, try to drive through the areas after the tall white truck with the bread throwers, it will lure the bears out of their dens and give you a better experience.

Here's a short clip. Too bad you'll never know the end of my sister's sentence in it though.

But the best part of it all: the babies. Just as I anticipated.

If you look at this picture closely, you can see my sister's hand again. It's attached to the girl in the back taking pictures. More importantly, this bear's name is Mack and one day we will star in a sitcom together.

Things I learned about bears:

1. They purr when they eat (sometimes). They sound like motorboats.

2. These bears are 8 months old and weigh between 70 and 100lbs.

3. When you go feed bear cubs, you actually get to feed 5 - 6 of them. 

4. They're pretty affectionate. They liked to put their mouths on the trainers after they eat and slobber all over. It looks like they were gnawing on the arm (kind of alarming), but they don't use their teeth. I don't know what it was exactly - teeth brushing with an arm? Sure - we'll go with that.

BUT GUESS WHAT! Once you've done all the cool things, there's still more to do. Like go to the petting area - where there are chickens and at least one sleepy deer.

You can also buy bear-shaped fries!

Cameo appearance by: My sister's hand.

And if you're in the mood for more bears and less money, go to the gift shop.

My brother and sister-in-law bought a bear family statue. 

Overall, I give bear world 8/10 bears. I asked one of the employees to tranquilize a bear and let me a hug it for an hour. He said no, so the trip could have been better.

Jump-start to Writing

Woah.

I haven't been blogging. Oh well! Here's something. And for the record, I do have plans for a few more 30 Before 30 thaaangs in the next couple weeks. So posts will be happening.

As for today, I thought I might post a list of jokes I compiled as part of an "assignment" from Gene Perret's The New Comedy Writing. He suggests making a list of 50 jokes that can inspire you. This is my list, as extracted from 5 different sources.

(As a side note - occasionally I get asked how to write comedy or become a great writer or something along those lines. This seems like a good place to give advice: make a list like this. Find lots of jokes that really work for you and use them as a jump-start to your writing. I do. In fact, that's why I love Twitter - it's a great place to switch my brain into comedy mode.)

Conan O’brien's Twitter. 

I'm not a huge Conan fan, but his Twitter feed is pretty good.

1. I assume ‘Escape Plan’ is about Stallone and Schwarzenegger trying to escape their speech coaches.

2. Two things: Comedy is about being relateable and also, I’m tired of the interns not saluting me

3. Pretty sure karate was invented by a guy and a bee.

4. Just tried to make a Benedict Cumberbatch anagram and I now have a hernia.

5. I’m in the best shape of my life. Just benched twice my birth weight.

6. I picked M.I.T. in my NCAA pool. Their robots are unstoppable.

7. In honor of President’s Day, I won’t be getting along with Congress

8. Still can't get a publisher for my new novel, "Unpublishable"

9. In order to justify eating veal, I just pretend the calf was funnier than me.

10. When someone calls me pretentious, the white gloves come off.

Mike Scully's Twitter

I became aware of Mike Scully when I had the chance to meet him a couple summers ago. He's very witty, very cool, and happened to write my favorite episode of one of my favorite shows: The Comeback Kid from Parks & Recreation.

11.Writing a multi-cam show about four friends named Cam.

12."TORNADO CHASERS KILLED BY TORNADO" "Why? Whyyy??? Oh, the sensibleness of it all!!!"

13. I know you're not supposed to have a favorite child, so I don't love any of mine.

14. "What happened to you, man? You used to be cool." - me to mirror every morning

15. In some parts of the country, substitute teachers are called hoagiestute teachers.

16.I've done my best to teach my kids about racism, but they're still against it.

17. "I'll get you, you little liars! You can't stay pretty forever!" - what I imagine the last line of every ep of "Pretty Little Liars" is.

18. Daniel Day Lewis prepared for every role. For My Left Foot, he only used his left foot. For Last of Mohicans, he killed all other Mohicans.

19. The most common Chinese New Year's resolution is to improve at gymnastics.

20. Check out my Best And Worst Of Best And Worst Lists Of 2012! It's the best! Also the worst.

(Note: The next three sources are shows, so some of the jokes might be confusing out of context.)

Futurama

I will always have a special place in my heart for Futurama. It was sorta my introduction to comedy. I got into it in high school and I believe it's played a big part in shaping my sense of humor.

21. Why? Why?! WHY didn't I break his legs?!

22. Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, oooooh, suddenly you've gone too far!

23. If this is anything like killing that pigeon on my balcony, we've got our work cut out for us.

24. I'm so embarrassed I wish everyone else was dead.

25. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on the ball.

26. I'll never forget you, Fry - MEMORY DELETED.

27. It's like a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up.

28. Who needs courage when you can have... a gun?

29. My caddy-shofer tells me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested.

30. The jury is advised to disregard it's own testimony.

30 Rock

It had its ups and downs, but 30 Rock is easily the most joke dense show I have ever seen.

31. I don't drink hot liquids of any kind - that's the devil's temperature.

32. There are only two things I love in this world: everybody and television.

33. Africa's got everything: Gum gum drops, juju trees, and horse-icorns - which is a unicorn with a horse's head.

34. Do you have a travel pillow? I blew mine up and now it smells like my mouth.

35. Fifty is the new forty for men. Fifty is still sixty for women.

36. Pears? Why?!

37. There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.

38. I'm sure she's down there, chain-smoking, sitting on the curb, waiting for me to come out. Just like the day I was born.

39. I love my mother, Lemon, obviously because of Stockholm Syndrome.

40. What did I get?! A million dollars, a yellow Bentley, and NOTHING!

Parks & Recreation

I can not praise this show enough. It's smart, funny, and just makes you feel uplifted. This is my favorite thing on television right now and is in my top three shows ever (with Lost and Futurama).

41.There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk.

42. When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

43. Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

44. History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

45. It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. It's like talking about people behind their backs. Everybody wins.

46. The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of town and we have ours.

47. Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.

48. "Leslie, could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?" "One could say that, but should one?"

49. Everybody pants now! Pants, pants, pants, pants, pants!

50. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault, but you've never had to compensate for anything.

Hey, I just noticed there are two owls in this post. Coincidence or destiny?

A Failure to Share

     I didn't do anything on my 30 before 30 list this week. I did, however, graduate from college, finish working at my wonderful internship, and turn 26. So - it's been a productive week nonetheless. I've started enjoying this new thing called "sleep". I don't know why I haven't been doing that for the past few years, but it is glorious!

     Anyway, today's post will be short. I wanted to share a sketch I wrote last year for Studio C that never made it into the show. I like it a lot, but we didn't use it for at least one big reason: it's not really a sketch. It's more of a play - a very, very short, one act/one scene, short short play.  

     As much as I like it, I doubt it will ever see the light of day. And that's okay. It makes for decent blog content (hopefully). In a strange way, I never really thought of this piece as a failure. Yes - I wrote it for a show that didn't want it. But who cares? I don't. In my mind, this piece turned into a labor of love. 

   Here it is:

INT. DINER - DAY

Enter Adam. He sits at the counter. Whitney is a waitress. The conversation is very snappy. Whitney moves around the diner, working.

WHIT

You’re back.

ADAM

They said it couldn’t be done, but here I am.

WHIT

They?

ADAM

Who?

WHIT

Who said it couldn’t be done?

ADAM

Ah. Yes. The cosmic forces that say things. Ghosts probably.

WHIT

Ghosts said you couldn’t come back to the diner?

ADAM

They’re just jealous of how many burgers I eat.

WHIT

I’m sure your arteries could convince them of how big of a mistake that is.

ADAM

But they won’t be saying much with their mouths so full of fat and all.

WHIT

Your arteries have mouths?

ADAM

Sure. I’m no scientist.

WHIT

The usual then?

ADAM

One artery clogging burger for me, but don’t tell the ghosts.

WHIT

Coming up.

Whit scribbles a note and passes it to the cook.

ADAM

Speaking of pale entities who tell you what to do, how’s your mother?

WHIT

Far away. And you sure know a lot about my personal life for a customer.

ADAM

I’d like to think our relationship transcends the customer-server level.

WHIT

This is you trying to get a free coke, right?

ADAM

Spot on. As a waitress, you must have some sort of sixth sense that tells you what I’m craving.

WHIT

Seventh sense, actually. I see dead people.

ADAM

The ghosts?

WHIT

Different people. They don’t like you either.

ADAM

Sometimes I think I’m too handsome.

WHIT

You couldn’t hear it, but they all started booing.

Stephen raises his hand to flag Whit.

WHIT (CONT’D)

I gotta go help someone.

ADAM

So this is a bad time to try and ask you out again?

Whitney approaches Stephen’s booth.

WHIT

I cannot go out with you.

STEPHEN

Me?

WHIT

What? No.

ADAM

So you’ll go out with this guy, but not me.

WHIT

I’m not going out with anyone.

ADAM

So you ARE available.

WHIT

How can I help you?

STEPHEN

(hesitant) Would you want to go out?

WHIT

No, thank you. Can I get you some ketchup or something?

STEPHEN

Yes, please.

ADAM

There’s that seventh sense kicking in again.

WHIT

You’re cute, but I don’t know anything about you.

ADAM

What do you want to know? I’m an open book - an open textbook: insightful but boring.

WHIT

Do we have to do this now? I’m working.

ADAM

I’d like to do it over dinner, but you want to get to know me before you get to know me.

WHIT

Excuse me for not dating strangers. For all I know, you could be a serial killer.

ADAM

You’ve been talking to too many dead people.

WHIT

(frustrated) Michael.

ADAM

My name’s Roger.

WHIT

What?

ADAM

Just kidding. It is Michael. See? You do know something about me.

WHIT

Sometimes I want to wring your neck until all your sarcasm falls out.

ADAM

Sounds deadly.

WHIT

Let’s find out.

ADAM

Now who sounds like the serial killer?

The cook puts up Adam’s order and rings the bell.

WHIT

Here’s your burger. With any luck, this’ll be the one that kills you. Maybe then you’ll stop bothering me.

ADAM

I’ll just come back and haunt you. Then I’ll never stop asking you out.

WHIT

Fine!

ADAM

What?

WHIT

I’ll go out with you.

Beat.

ADAM

Those ghosts are going to be really jealous.

Give me the GOOSHburger, no pickles.

    And that's it! "Goosh", by the way, is a made up word of unknown origins. We all started using it in Divine Comedy to end a sketch. Now it's tradition. Also - after presenting this to the writers room, someone gave me a rather fine compliment saying that it felt like Aaron Sorkin's writing. As someone who looks up to Aaron a lot, I was very flattered. So flattered, in fact, that I did not mention that I was trying to emulate another writer: Amy Sherman-Paladino. I may have binged on Gilmore Girl youtube clips before writing this. That'll be our little secret.

20. Swim in hot springs

(I love this picture more than life itself.)

My blog has somehow turning into a Monday thing.

I feel like this is good, because Monday is the 6th best day of the week and maybe blogging will make it slightly less Monday-ish. Hmmm.

Anyway,

I CROSSED SOMETHING OFF MY 30 BEFORE 30 LIST!*

I swam in hot springs. SEE?

It was a fairly magical experience. My fam had some friends in town and we wound up partying in the mountains over the weekend. Part of the trip included going to "The Crater" in Midway. At first, I was like, that's not a crater. And it's not, except in the sense that it's "a cavity or hole in any surface" - according to Google. I think that's a terrible definition. Any surface? Really?! Pffsssh.

But the "crater" is more like a big bowl with a hole in the top. Think of it as a giant fishbowl made of stone that has people instead of fish. You can climb on top of it and look down. Or you could just look at this picture.

Looking up from inside, it looks like this.

The "crater" is 65' deep. The water is very clear and very warm. You can swim, snorkel, or scuba dive. Lindsey, mi boss, scuba dove (dived?) in the "crater" a while back. She said there's no fish; it's boring.

The water was great! The coolest part, and this is going to sound super boring, is that when you stick your feet down, it's still warm. (I told you it would sound boring.) But for reals! I love swimming in Lake Powell because the water is so warm. But when you stick your feet down, it gets really cold. Not so with the hot spring. I would say it's a mild sensation and one that I find disproportionately cool. Also - there was somewhat of a current. It was surprising but I guess the water springs up from the center, meaning that no matter where you are in the "crater", the water is pushing you outward towards the walls. And one of the rules is that you can't touch the walls. The result? Exercise. Booooo. :/

And that's pretty much it. I'm glad I've now done something on my list (other than the blog). But I will say one more thing, because I believe experiences are just as much about the people you're with as they are about what you're doing.

So, thanks to my Mom, Ashley, Pam, Woody, Jared, and Hannah for going to the "crater" with me - especially Hannah because she took pictures and she couldn't actually swim due to being preggo. :]

(This is the sitting area where you don't have to exercise or wear a life jacket that doesn't fit. Not that you would know by the picture.)

See you next Monday?

*I like to celebrate with caps lock.

I FLEW A PLANE!

I did something cool!

(It has nothing to do with this orangutan though.)

     I think half of my body is afraid of heights. I've known this for about 8 years now and it still doesn't make sense. When I was in Paris (ugh, my blog makes my life sound cooler than it actually is... is that why people blog?) back in 2006, I went to the Eiffel Tower. I had a cold at the time, so I rode the elevator. (If I go back, I want to take the stairs.) There are 3 levels of the tower you can hang out on. Naturally, they're all very high. I went to all 3. Level 1: No fear. Level 2: No fear. Level 3: Complete terror. Whyyy? Had I fallen off at any point I would have been equally dead. It's confusing.

    Flash forward to September 2013. I went skydiving in Moab. It was magical. I jumped from somewhere between 9,000 and 10,000 feet. At that height, everything on the ground looks like plastic. It's like the world transforms into some sort of miniature model of itself. Things just stop seeming real. That small fact, however, does not make it easier to jump. The half of my body that is afraid of heights convinced the half that is not that it should be. Pulling my legs out the door of the plane in preparation to jump required an intense inner struggle between my survival instincts and my attempts to be cool. Somehow, Lady Gaga's 'Applause' found its way into my brain and distracted me long enough to get into jumping position. Thanks, Miss Gaga.

    Anyway, yesterday I found myself climbing into another small plane - which told my brain to get ready to go skydiving and sing 'Applause' to myself for the next 5 hours. Fortunately, neither of those things happened. Instead, I enjoyed a pleasant 42 minute plane ride with my Uncle Jerry. Here's us in his plane. Yeah - he owns a plane.

     We partied at about 2,800 feet. In case you were wondering, that's still high enough for things to look plastic. Here's a better shot of my Venom shirt and the ground below:

     We flew down to the Payson temple (see below), then in front of the Y, then over my apartment. Bizarrely enough, I never had the slightest twinge of fear. I guess I hadn't crossed the threshold between The Eiffel Tower's level 2 and level 3. So that's a relief. It also makes absolutely no sense. The Eiffel Tower is only 986 feet tall.
     Side note (since I'm apparently trying to make myself sound cool), I was once able to say that I had been inside the tallest building in the world. This was before that whole Burj Khalifa thing Dubai. At the time (August 2009), it was the Taibei 101. I think you can only go up to floor 96 or something, but that's very high. However, no fear. Also, the building is only 1,667 feet. If humans are born with a decent sense of height, mine is broken.

Since I like bullet points, here's what I learned from flying a plane:

• It's fun. Like, lots of fun.
• You don't "drive a plane". You pilot it.
• When you switch control of the plane, you say, "I have the plane." This is important.
• Turbulence is fun. Lots of turbulence is not.
• I now have 7/10ths of an hour of flight time. Pilot's license - here I come.

Finally - here's a video I took. I hope posting it here works. I'm not entirely sure. 

*Sorry for the oppressive amounts of parenthesis. :/ (Seriously.)

30 Before 30

     

     My boss, the amazing Lindsey Petersen, made me start this blog. I mostly say that so that 1,000 years from now an Internet Archaeologist (that will be a thing, right?) will dig up this blog and she can be credited with its creation. They will build a statue of her in her honor. It will be 10,000 feet tall and she'll be winking seductively at the presidents on Mt. Rushmore. That's how great this blog will be.

Or maybe not.

So let's talk about what you can expect:

• Nothing. Seriously, expect nothing and I will definitely exceed your expectations.
• Happy things: Studio C stuff? Unused scripts? Pictures of puppies? Who knows?
• This blog could die at any moment. I have no idea how long my interest in it will last. BUT! As Dr. Seuss once said, "Don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened." 
• Me. Lots of me. This blog is me sharing my life. So let's be friends.
• Updates on my 30 before 30 list. 

     What's my 30 before 30 list? Lindsey, who turns 40 in 5 years, decided to make a 40 before 40 bucket list. I turn 30 in 4 years, so I'm stealing her idea. It is mine now. So, after consulting some friends and my inner child, I present my list:

30 before 30

(In no particular order.)

1. Bottle feed baby bears (This is for reals!)
2. Go to Italy
3. Write a book
4. Read The Book of Mormon in a 4th language
1. I've already done it in English, Spanish, & Chinese. I'm not sure what the 4th will be, but I've run out of languages that I speak. Maybe Italian or Japanese or Korean or Swahili?
5. Go to Ellen
6. Reach my goal weight of 175 lbs.
7. Change a tire
8. Swim with dolphins
9. Movie list
1. I haven't seen a lot of movies that "everyone has seen". So I will eventually petition my friends to make a list and I will watch them.
10. Sleep somewhere haunted
11. Skinny dip
1. I'm told this is an essential human experience. Someone (who will go unnamed) insisted I put this on my list. I have my concerns....
12. Sensory deprivation tank
13. Buy an expensive gift for someone
14. Treat my friends to dinner
15. Learn to ski (water or snow will do)
16. Kiss a stranger
17. Dye my hair an unnatural color
18. Participate in lent
1. I thought about doing Ramadan, but I'm a lot more hesitant. So, maybe?
19. Go on a cruise
20. Swim in hot springs
21. Fire a canon
22. Make something with a pottery wheel
1. I hope it's awful and I hope I give it to someone who thinks I want them to display it on their mantle.
23. Write a blog - Can I check this one off now?
24. Go on a police ride-along
25. Fly first class
26. Attend Sundance
27. Ride in a helicopter
28. Ride in a hot air balloon
29. Book list
1. I think I will ask 20 people to recommend a book and then read all of them. 
30. Go to South America
1. I want to hit every continent but Antarctica. I just have South America and Australia to go!

And that's it! So, stay tuned I guess. 

Or maybe not.

-Adam

Bye.

P.S. I wanted to start my blog with a picture of a winking squirrel. Turns out, they're creepy. Google it.