A Failure to Share

     I didn't do anything on my 30 before 30 list this week. I did, however, graduate from college, finish working at my wonderful internship, and turn 26. So - it's been a productive week nonetheless. I've started enjoying this new thing called "sleep". I don't know why I haven't been doing that for the past few years, but it is glorious!

     Anyway, today's post will be short. I wanted to share a sketch I wrote last year for Studio C that never made it into the show. I like it a lot, but we didn't use it for at least one big reason: it's not really a sketch. It's more of a play - a very, very short, one act/one scene, short short play.  

     As much as I like it, I doubt it will ever see the light of day. And that's okay. It makes for decent blog content (hopefully). In a strange way, I never really thought of this piece as a failure. Yes - I wrote it for a show that didn't want it. But who cares? I don't. In my mind, this piece turned into a labor of love. 

   Here it is:

INT. DINER - DAY

Enter Adam. He sits at the counter. Whitney is a waitress. The conversation is very snappy. Whitney moves around the diner, working.

WHIT

You’re back.

ADAM

They said it couldn’t be done, but here I am.

WHIT

They?

ADAM

Who?

WHIT

Who said it couldn’t be done?

ADAM

Ah. Yes. The cosmic forces that say things. Ghosts probably.

WHIT

Ghosts said you couldn’t come back to the diner?

ADAM

They’re just jealous of how many burgers I eat.

WHIT

I’m sure your arteries could convince them of how big of a mistake that is.

ADAM

But they won’t be saying much with their mouths so full of fat and all.

WHIT

Your arteries have mouths?

ADAM

Sure. I’m no scientist.

WHIT

The usual then?

ADAM

One artery clogging burger for me, but don’t tell the ghosts.

WHIT

Coming up.

Whit scribbles a note and passes it to the cook.

ADAM

Speaking of pale entities who tell you what to do, how’s your mother?

WHIT

Far away. And you sure know a lot about my personal life for a customer.

ADAM

I’d like to think our relationship transcends the customer-server level.

WHIT

This is you trying to get a free coke, right?

ADAM

Spot on. As a waitress, you must have some sort of sixth sense that tells you what I’m craving.

WHIT

Seventh sense, actually. I see dead people.

ADAM

The ghosts?

WHIT

Different people. They don’t like you either.

ADAM

Sometimes I think I’m too handsome.

WHIT

You couldn’t hear it, but they all started booing.

Stephen raises his hand to flag Whit.

WHIT (CONT’D)

I gotta go help someone.

ADAM

So this is a bad time to try and ask you out again?

Whitney approaches Stephen’s booth.

WHIT

I cannot go out with you.

STEPHEN

Me?

WHIT

What? No.

ADAM

So you’ll go out with this guy, but not me.

WHIT

I’m not going out with anyone.

ADAM

So you ARE available.

WHIT

How can I help you?

STEPHEN

(hesitant) Would you want to go out?

WHIT

No, thank you. Can I get you some ketchup or something?

STEPHEN

Yes, please.

ADAM

There’s that seventh sense kicking in again.

WHIT

You’re cute, but I don’t know anything about you.

ADAM

What do you want to know? I’m an open book - an open textbook: insightful but boring.

WHIT

Do we have to do this now? I’m working.

ADAM

I’d like to do it over dinner, but you want to get to know me before you get to know me.

WHIT

Excuse me for not dating strangers. For all I know, you could be a serial killer.

ADAM

You’ve been talking to too many dead people.

WHIT

(frustrated) Michael.

ADAM

My name’s Roger.

WHIT

What?

ADAM

Just kidding. It is Michael. See? You do know something about me.

WHIT

Sometimes I want to wring your neck until all your sarcasm falls out.

ADAM

Sounds deadly.

WHIT

Let’s find out.

ADAM

Now who sounds like the serial killer?

The cook puts up Adam’s order and rings the bell.

WHIT

Here’s your burger. With any luck, this’ll be the one that kills you. Maybe then you’ll stop bothering me.

ADAM

I’ll just come back and haunt you. Then I’ll never stop asking you out.

WHIT

Fine!

ADAM

What?

WHIT

I’ll go out with you.

Beat.

ADAM

Those ghosts are going to be really jealous.

Give me the GOOSHburger, no pickles.

    And that's it! "Goosh", by the way, is a made up word of unknown origins. We all started using it in Divine Comedy to end a sketch. Now it's tradition. Also - after presenting this to the writers room, someone gave me a rather fine compliment saying that it felt like Aaron Sorkin's writing. As someone who looks up to Aaron a lot, I was very flattered. So flattered, in fact, that I did not mention that I was trying to emulate another writer: Amy Sherman-Paladino. I may have binged on Gilmore Girl youtube clips before writing this. That'll be our little secret.

20. Swim in hot springs

(I love this picture more than life itself.)

My blog has somehow turning into a Monday thing.

I feel like this is good, because Monday is the 6th best day of the week and maybe blogging will make it slightly less Monday-ish. Hmmm.

Anyway,

I CROSSED SOMETHING OFF MY 30 BEFORE 30 LIST!*

I swam in hot springs. SEE?

It was a fairly magical experience. My fam had some friends in town and we wound up partying in the mountains over the weekend. Part of the trip included going to "The Crater" in Midway. At first, I was like, that's not a crater. And it's not, except in the sense that it's "a cavity or hole in any surface" - according to Google. I think that's a terrible definition. Any surface? Really?! Pffsssh.

But the "crater" is more like a big bowl with a hole in the top. Think of it as a giant fishbowl made of stone that has people instead of fish. You can climb on top of it and look down. Or you could just look at this picture.

Looking up from inside, it looks like this.

The "crater" is 65' deep. The water is very clear and very warm. You can swim, snorkel, or scuba dive. Lindsey, mi boss, scuba dove (dived?) in the "crater" a while back. She said there's no fish; it's boring.

The water was great! The coolest part, and this is going to sound super boring, is that when you stick your feet down, it's still warm. (I told you it would sound boring.) But for reals! I love swimming in Lake Powell because the water is so warm. But when you stick your feet down, it gets really cold. Not so with the hot spring. I would say it's a mild sensation and one that I find disproportionately cool. Also - there was somewhat of a current. It was surprising but I guess the water springs up from the center, meaning that no matter where you are in the "crater", the water is pushing you outward towards the walls. And one of the rules is that you can't touch the walls. The result? Exercise. Booooo. :/

And that's pretty much it. I'm glad I've now done something on my list (other than the blog). But I will say one more thing, because I believe experiences are just as much about the people you're with as they are about what you're doing.

So, thanks to my Mom, Ashley, Pam, Woody, Jared, and Hannah for going to the "crater" with me - especially Hannah because she took pictures and she couldn't actually swim due to being preggo. :]

(This is the sitting area where you don't have to exercise or wear a life jacket that doesn't fit. Not that you would know by the picture.)

See you next Monday?

*I like to celebrate with caps lock.

I FLEW A PLANE!

I did something cool!

(It has nothing to do with this orangutan though.)

     I think half of my body is afraid of heights. I've known this for about 8 years now and it still doesn't make sense. When I was in Paris (ugh, my blog makes my life sound cooler than it actually is... is that why people blog?) back in 2006, I went to the Eiffel Tower. I had a cold at the time, so I rode the elevator. (If I go back, I want to take the stairs.) There are 3 levels of the tower you can hang out on. Naturally, they're all very high. I went to all 3. Level 1: No fear. Level 2: No fear. Level 3: Complete terror. Whyyy? Had I fallen off at any point I would have been equally dead. It's confusing.

    Flash forward to September 2013. I went skydiving in Moab. It was magical. I jumped from somewhere between 9,000 and 10,000 feet. At that height, everything on the ground looks like plastic. It's like the world transforms into some sort of miniature model of itself. Things just stop seeming real. That small fact, however, does not make it easier to jump. The half of my body that is afraid of heights convinced the half that is not that it should be. Pulling my legs out the door of the plane in preparation to jump required an intense inner struggle between my survival instincts and my attempts to be cool. Somehow, Lady Gaga's 'Applause' found its way into my brain and distracted me long enough to get into jumping position. Thanks, Miss Gaga.

    Anyway, yesterday I found myself climbing into another small plane - which told my brain to get ready to go skydiving and sing 'Applause' to myself for the next 5 hours. Fortunately, neither of those things happened. Instead, I enjoyed a pleasant 42 minute plane ride with my Uncle Jerry. Here's us in his plane. Yeah - he owns a plane.

     We partied at about 2,800 feet. In case you were wondering, that's still high enough for things to look plastic. Here's a better shot of my Venom shirt and the ground below:

     We flew down to the Payson temple (see below), then in front of the Y, then over my apartment. Bizarrely enough, I never had the slightest twinge of fear. I guess I hadn't crossed the threshold between The Eiffel Tower's level 2 and level 3. So that's a relief. It also makes absolutely no sense. The Eiffel Tower is only 986 feet tall.
     Side note (since I'm apparently trying to make myself sound cool), I was once able to say that I had been inside the tallest building in the world. This was before that whole Burj Khalifa thing Dubai. At the time (August 2009), it was the Taibei 101. I think you can only go up to floor 96 or something, but that's very high. However, no fear. Also, the building is only 1,667 feet. If humans are born with a decent sense of height, mine is broken.

Since I like bullet points, here's what I learned from flying a plane:

• It's fun. Like, lots of fun.
• You don't "drive a plane". You pilot it.
• When you switch control of the plane, you say, "I have the plane." This is important.
• Turbulence is fun. Lots of turbulence is not.
• I now have 7/10ths of an hour of flight time. Pilot's license - here I come.

Finally - here's a video I took. I hope posting it here works. I'm not entirely sure. 

*Sorry for the oppressive amounts of parenthesis. :/ (Seriously.)