On Coming Out

Content Warning: Homophobia, Suicide, Abuse, Sexism

 

I’m gay.

Instead of explaining the entirety of my journey, I want to focus on one thing—why it’s important to come out publicly.

This was inspired by a message sent to me by a very sweet person on Twitter. I’m sharing it here with their permission:

“When I was in high school, a depressed in-denial queer with a messed up family, I was obsessed with Studio C. During the worst of my high school days, I had a dream. In the dream I met the cast members. We sat, and in hushed tones they spoke to me. Some bore testimonies. Some discussed mental health. Stacey talked about the isolation of being closeted and how scary and worth it it was to come out. Adam said nothing, but hugged me. I felt important and safe and cared for. I needed that.




It’s a little embarrassing that I was so obsessed with these strangers that I literally dreamt about them. At the same time, these people are still important to me. They helped me through high school. They gave me my first example of an out and proud LGBTQ person in church culture. As I escaped an abusive situation, they escaped an abusive workplace. We started over together.


I don’t really know any of these people. Only what they’ve chosen to share with the public. Some share their testimonies. Some, the things that bring them joy. Stacey is out and proud and shares his experiences. And now Adam is coming out and speaking up at a time when many LGBTQ BYU students feel unimportant and scared and uncared for. We need him. We support him. 

Thank you, JK Studios. Thank you for being funny, for being brave, for being advocates, for being yourselves.

A special thank you to Stacey and especially Adam right now. You’ve been where I am and you made it through. It means so much that you’re sharing that.”
- @SamVime07134041

 

When you’re gay, you’re born without an obvious support system. You have to discover, on your own, who will love you and who will say that they love you, but don’t. It’s terrifying.

This makes queer people live in a state of fear. When you’re scared, you’re vulnerable. When you’re vulnerable, abusers will take advantage of you.

        It happened to me. At 26, I broke down. I was depressed to the point of being suicidal. Fortunately, I got help. But it still felt like my world was falling apart. This led me to a boy—who I started dating. Being with him helped pull me out of my depression, but it was messy. It turned abusive—mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I was closeted. I was afraid. I was stuck. I spent years accepting abuse because it was preferable to finding out if the people I loved would still love me once they knew I was gay.

It wasn’t until I started coming out that I was able to escape that abuse. I’ve since dated a lot, but had one other boyfriend—the most wonderful person. We had an amazing relationship that was healthy, respectful, and loving. For the first time, at 32, I finally knew what romantic, intimate love felt like. Unfortunately, that relationship ended. But it taught me one thing—I don’t believe in a God that would deny anyone that kind of love.

I’ve had people tell me to “come out of the closet and kill yourself”. I’ve had someone yell the word “faggot” at me from their car. A complete stranger sent me an email filled with pornographic images of women and told me that a girl would transform herself into anything I wanted—so I could pretend she was a man and that I was straight.

I deal with chronic pain, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and hypothyroidism. These things take up a lot of my emotional resources. I’ve been suicidal twice. And I still have to deal with everyday things—work, bills, etc. I should not have to deal with bigotry and hatred.

We need to do better at creating safe spaces. If you are straight, you do not have the power to declare your space safe. You don’t get to decide if LGBTQ people feel safe in it. That is up to them. If they feel unsafe, that space needs to change.

If you are creating space that is unsafe (intentionally or not), then you are making room and giving power to those who would choose to abuse the vulnerable. It is common. It is prevalent. It needs to change.

Coming out, speaking up, and being an example is how I’m choosing to make the world a safer place today. I hope that in small and big ways, I can work with the people in my life to help those within reach.

 

Much love,
-Adam

P.S. If you would like more information, I recommend reading these articles.

Tips on how to respond to someone coming out--http://bit.ly/3mRKIPY

For Mormons -- https://bit.ly/2Y0OaNT
P.P.S. For those who are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you’re not alone. Please do not hesitate to call the national suicide hotline: 800-273-8255.

P.P.P.S. If you are currently closeted, I hope this doesn’t pressure you into coming out. That is something that should be done on your own terms and in your own time.